HEDWIG AND SNAPE
by MYHEARTFEELSDEADINSIDE
Summary: HEDWIG AND SNAPE.
1. The Beach

**Hedwig and Snape: The Beach**

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Badly written, because frankly, I don't give a sh-t any more. I need a life? NO U.

* * *

One day in Harry Potter world, Hedwig and Snape were three weeks into marriage.

The five-foot tall slender Hedwig sat on the couch with Snape, bored as can be.

"You know," said Hedwig, "I'm going to start taking steroids."

Snape, uninterested in everything Hedwig does, ignored her, shrugged and closed his eyes to take a nap.

Hedwig felt hurt inside and left the room.

ONE WEEK LATER

Hedwig walked into the room, eight feet tall with gigantic 'hooters' protruding from her chest above her severely swollen stomach area.

" _ **SNAAAAAAAAPE!**_ " she growled, her voice deep and like a full-grown African American man, " **I DEMAND YOUR ATTENTION.** "

Snape bolted up right, shaking from the abrupt noise.

" **WE'RE GOING TO THE BEACH!** " she continued, " **AND FUCKING SCRATCH MY ASS, IT'S HAIRY AS FUCK!** "

Snape jumped out a window.

"FINE! I'LL _MEEEEEAAAT_ " she paused, pulled out a steak that was hidden underneath one of her 'chest bumps' and ate it. She continued, " **YOU AT THE BEACH LATER.** "

She lifted her other chest-bump and pulled out a bra and thong covered in sweat. She grew another fifty feet, and broke through the ceiling.

" **I'M GOING TO GET DRESSED!** " she shouted, bending over, breaking more of the house apart, " _ **FUCK ALL OF YOU!**_ "

She placed on her bra and thong and then turned around. HUGE hairy round 'things' stuck out from her thong. A strap on her bra broke off, leaving only one of her chest-bumps exposed.

" **OH YEAH!** " she yelled, as she lifted her arms, exposing fields of armpit hair into the sunlight, " ** _THAT FEELS GOOD!_** "

A person in a car drove by, witnessed the giant owl and her armpit bush, screamed, and then crashed into a tree causing an explosion that set fire to everything.

" **OH FUCK!** " shouted Hedwig, as she lifted a leg up, " **SAY GOODBYE, YOU BASTURDS!** " she let out a HUGE one, sending flames all across the UK, " **I SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING EATEN BEANS THIS MORNING!** "

She set the entire nation on fire.

"GOD THAT FELT GOOD!" she yelled, growing another fifty feet, "NOW TO THE BEACH."

Two weeks later, after trying to find her way through the giant flames, Hedwig arrived at the beach, which was full of beachgoers and very crowded.

" _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!**_ " she screeched for no reason, smashing random people into the sand, " ** _BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_** "

She arrived to the ocean filled with people of all ages playing water games. Hedwig's shadow completely blocked out the sun, and in no time at all, the people in the water panicked and hysterically tried to get out.

Hedwig took a few steps back and then JUMPED into the ocean, causing a giant tidal wave that put out ALL of the UK flames.

"OW!" she growled, her rear landed on the hard bottom of the ocean floor, smashing the people that didn't get to leave. "FUCK!" Her thong and bra broke off.

The ones that got thrown in the air from the tidal wave came crashing down onto Hedwig, some getting absorbed into her chest bumps.

" _ **SNAAAAAAAAAPE!**_ " Screeched the Hedwig, flinging off the people that landed on her, "CLEAN MY ASS UP NOW! THERE ARE FUCKING INSECTS CRAWLING UP THERE FOR OXYGEN."

Suddenly Dumbledore came out of the blue, "I AM DUMBLEDORE!" he bellowed, "ALL BOW DOWN TO ME!"

"SHUT-UP!" screeched Hedwig, using her hand to smash Dumbledore into the sandy ground, "YOU FUCKING SWINE WHORE PIG!"

Snape appeared out of thin air holding a wand like a gun and pointed it at Hedwig, "Hedwig, darling." He shouted, "I'm sorry for being mean, I promise I will never-"

" **FUCK-UP!** " interrupted Hedwig, smashing Snape into the ground, "EAT YOUR GOD DAMN SOUP IN HELL, YOU ASSHOLE!" she screeched, blood pouring out from her throat from screeching so much.

Just then a giant nuclear bomb came out of nowhere and destroyed everything, leaving nothing but white space.

Two people appeared out of nowhere and checked around to see if anyone was looking.

"Looks like beauty killed the beast." Sighed the first one.

"Oh dude, you SUCK!" responded the other and left.

 **The End?**

Oh wait, no. No, it's not.

 **TO BE CONTINUED…**


	2. Shrinkage

**Hedwig and Snape: Shrinkage**

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** "HEDWIG AND SNAPE: The Beach" IS THE NEW "GARFIELD THE JERK", in other words: I'M TYPING CRAP UNTIL I CAN ACTUALLY TYPE BRILLIANTLY AGAIN AND COME UP WITH SOMETHING F-KING AWESOME. IT'S A VICIOUS TWO YEAR LONG CYCLE I'M FOREVER GOING THROUGH. -runs off bawling-

* * *

Two years later, after everything was restored, Hedwig, one-hundred feet tall and stuffed with steroids, went back in time to 2004 and sat in the Pacific Ocean.

"Oh god," she murmured, "This… feels… _**GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!**_ " she let out an ENORMOUS gas explosion from her butt causing the giant Japan tsunami of '04. When her bumhole closed, it sucked in several billion gallons of ocean water and caused droughts upon the Earth.

"FUCK!" she shouted, "FUCKING WATER WEIGHT!" she got up, sat on China and took a dump, flooding the entire country with her 'excess waste'. " _ **OH YEEEEAAAH!**_ " she growled, " _ **YEAAAAAAAH!**_ "

"Hedwig!" called Snape from a helicopter, "STOP DESTROYING THE WORLD, HONEY!"

" **I DIDN'T DO SHIT.** " Snapped Hedwig.

"Oh yeah, that's right" thought Snape to himself, "China SUCKS and isn't important." He pulled out a wand and pointed it at Hedwig, "Well, JUST so you won't set the entire UK nation on fire again, _**REDUCIO!**_ " he shouted, shrinking Hedwig in the air. He used a fishnet to catch her and brought her into the helicopter.

" _ **SNAAAAAAAAAPE!**_ " she squeaked angrily from the fishnet, " **UN-SHRINK ME NOW, DAMNIT!** "

Snape immediately locked Hedwig in a tiny parakeet cage and then steered the helicopter back to the United Kingdom.

Several hours later, (filled with Hedwig squeaking furiously and throwing feces at Snape), Snape arrived the helicopter at an abandoned house and crashed in through the ceiling.

"YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" squeaked Hedwig, "WHY DON'T YOU EVER ASK FOR FUCKING DIRECTIONS?" she bent over and let out a silently but deadly one from her bumhole knocking Snape unconscious. "HAHA!" she laughed, "I KNEW I STILL HAD SOME LEFT IN ME!"

Ten hours later, after Snape regained conscious, he stepped out of the helicopter with the caged Hedwig in his arms. The room he stepped into was dark and dusty.

"Let's find another room." He stated, "One where the ceiling isn't broken."

"FUCK YOU!" squeaked Hedwig.

Snape found one, an empty one with a dusty table and a window with blinds. He walked in, locked the door and closed the blinds. He dusted the table with his hand and placed the caged Hedwig on it.

"Hedwig," sighed Snape, feeling miserable, "It's a bitch convincing people to like you."

"FUCK OFF!" growled Hedwig, "LIKE I CARE!"

"Pleasing everyone isn't like you."

"SO?"

"I can't decide whether you should live or die," He went on and Hedwig started to cry. "Oh you'll probably go to heaven, please don't hang your head and cry. No wonder why. My heart feels dead inside, it's cold and hard and petrified."

Hedwig sighed hard as Snape continued, "Oh I could throw you in the lake or feed you poisoned birthday cake," he leaned in close to her and whispered, "but I won't deny I'm going to miss you when you're gone."

Hedwig face-palmed as Snape went on. "Oh I could bury you alive but you might crawl out with a knife and kill me when I'm sleeping, that's why-"

"NO," interrupted Hedwig, her voice loud, "I'M CRYING BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK! WHO THE HELL RECITES WORDS OTHER PEOPLE USE WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE? AT LEAST BE IN TUNE WHEN YOU DO IT, YOUR VOICE IS SO FUCKING FLAT, GOD DAMN YOU!"

"Uh." Stuttered Snape, "What?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU DID!"

"No…I don't."

Just then Dumbledore crashed into the room, " _ **I AM, REPAIR-MAN-MAN-MAN-MAN!**_ " he bellowed.

"OH GOD DAMNIT!" cried Hedwig, "WHY DID I EVEN CHOOSE TO WAKE UP TODAY?"

Snape, surprised by all the commotion, tripped over his own foot and fell a top of Dumbledore.

"OOOOOH!" growled Hedwig, seeing the two struggling to get off each other, "I SEE HOW THIS IS, YOU'RE FUCKING CHEATING ON ME, AREN'T YOU?"

"Goodness no!" gasped Snape, "I want to kill him, not MAN-LOVE him!"

Hedwig bent over, "I THINK I HAVE ONE MORE LEFT IN ME!"

"Oh god no." cried Snape, "NOOOO, HEDWIG! PLEASE!"

"Oh, is she going to give us candy?" said Dumbldore, smiling innocently, "I love candy!" he giggled like a child, "YAY!"

Snape started to cry.

 **TO BE CONTINUED…**


	3. The Basement

**Hedwig and Snape: The Basement**

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** FEELS FINE, IT'S WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL HERE… ACTUALLY, CAN SOMEONE JUST END MY EXISTENCE ALREADY?

* * *

Ten years later, after Hedwig and Snape returned to their broken-down home and locked Dumbledore in the basement with no food or water, the two sat on the couch.

"SNAPE," squeaked the still-tiny Hedwig, "I'M FUCKING TIRED OF BEING SMALL, NOW EITHER UN-SHRINK ME, OR I'LL SHRINK SOMETHING ON YOUR BODY YOU WILL REGRET!"

"My legs?" gasped Snape.

"NOOOO!" she growled, "YOUR FUCKING _THIRD_ ONE!"

"But I have no third leg."

"CAN I HAVE SOME CANDY?" called Dumbledore from the basement, "I'm really hungry!"

Hedwig grabbed Snape's wand and pointed it at Snape, "CONJUNCTIVITIS!"

"MY EYES!" he screamed.

Hedwig pointed the wand to herself, " **ENGORGIO!** " and she grew six feet tall. " **YOU WILL REGRET THE DAY YOU EVER FUCKED WITH ME, SNAPPY-POO.** " She screeched as she grabbed a broom, " ** _IT'S GOING IN YOU!_** "

Meanwhile, alone in the cold and dark basement, Dumbledore could hear the commotion coming from the living room.

" _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!**_ " he heard Snape scream in a high-pitched voice, " **GET IT OUT! IT HURTS! IT HURTS SO MUCH! WAAAAAAAAAH!** "

" _ **YEAH, NOW YOU AREN'T SO FLAT, ANY MORE!**_ " he heard Hedwig shout, " ** _TOO BAD YOU STILL NEED BREAST IMPLANTS!_** "

" _ **AAAAAAHH!** _ GET THE BROOM OUT OF MY FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID ON OUR WEDDING DAY."

"WHAT THE HELL? NO I DIDN'T! I SAID _'GROOM'_ , NOT BROOM! _'GROOM'!_ "

" _ **OH THAT'S IT!**_ "

-creak, snap, snap-

" _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!**_ "

Dumbledore sat on the cold floor and stared off into the dark. "Looks like I'm all grown up and a MAN now." He said as he put on sunglasses and began to smoke a cigarette. "FUCK MY CHILDHOOD!"

"You think YOU have it bad?" spoke a familiar gruffly voice, "I FUCKING GET RAPED IN MY OWN EYE SOCKET!"

"Alastor Moody?" gasped Dumbledore, sounding both surprised and annoyed, "WHAT are you doing here?"

"I…was lonely." Replied Moody, breaking into tears, "I HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO!"

Just then, the two were interrupted when the basement door flew open with Hedwig shoving Snape into the room. "AND EAT YOUR OWN FUCKING FECES!" she screeched before slamming the door and locking it shut.

"'EEEEEEY!" smiled Dumbledore, "Welcome to the-"

"SHUT UP!" interrupted Moody repeatedly smashing in Dumbledore's head with a rock, "FUCK UP, WITH THAT GOD DAMN FONZIE SHIT! YOU'RE NOT COOL, YOU NEVER WERE-"

"Moody?" Snapped Snape, interrupting him, "WHAT the HELL are you doing in my FUCKING BASEMENT?"

"I was hungry…"

"No, I mean, if you got IN, is there a way to get out too?"

Moody starred into space and started to drool. "I like pie."

Snape face-palmed.

Back to Hedwig, she injected herself with more steroids. " _ **YEAAAAAH!**_ " she growled and grew two-hundred feet, " _ **FUCK YEAAAAAAAAAAH! MY POWER LEVEL HAS EXCEEDED OVER NINE-THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!**_ "

"FUCK YOU!" called a random person that walked by the house, "YOU SUCK!"

"NO, YOU!"

"FUCK YOU!" growled the person, "YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME, BITCH? I'LL FUCKING TAKE YOU ON!"

Hedwig bent over, "FUCK OFF!" she let out her 'gas' again, which nuked and flattened everything within a fifty-five thousand mile radius. "THAT'LL TEACH YOU!" she grinned. " _ **SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!**_ " she screeched, "RECHARGE MY ASS, NOW!" She paused, looked about her surroundings and realized she killed everyone and everything. "Well, that'll serve them all right, basturds."

 **TO BE CONTINUED…**


	4. Hooters

**Hedwig and Snape: Hooters**

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** TYPING CRAP UNTIL I CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING BRILLIANT. TYPING CRAP UNTIL I CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING BRILLIANT. TYPING CRAP UNTIL I -curls up into a ball and sobs hysterically-

* * *

Many days later, after everything was restored, the six-foot tall steroid-stuffed Hedwig walked around in a string bikini shaking her enlarged 'chest bumps', swollen stomach area, and enlarged buttocks. She lifted her arms up and exposed her armpit bushes.

She turned on the television and a commercial of Hooters came on. _Now Hiring!_ They announced.

' _Hmmm..._ ' thought Hedwig, looking at her own gigantic 'hooters', ' _I think I will apply!_ '

Hedwig walked into the bedroom where Snape laid, reading a book. She walked near him and slapped her butt causing jiggles upon jiggles, " _ **YOU WANT SOME FUCKING SEX?**_ " she screeched, her voice deeper than it was and similar to Barry White's voice, "Oh BABY."

Snape screamed and made an attempt to jump out a window, but Hedwig blocked it and knocked Snape to the floor.

"You know, Snape," continued Hedwig, pinning Snape to the floor with her foot, "after all these years of taking steroids, I have an extreme liking to your ASS for some reason… plus," She ripped off her thong, and Snape screamed bloody murder at what she exposed. "Yeaaah." She went on. "I'm…going to have to change my birth certificate information."

"Holy sh—" Snape fainted.

"Oh and I'm going to apply at Hooters, can you drive me there?"

Hours later, after Snape regained conscious, the two went into a car outside their house. Snape took the steering wheel and Hedwig sat on the passenger side.

"Have everything, dear?" asked Snape.

" _ **FUCKING DRIVE ALREADY BEFORE I TAKE A GIANT SHIT ON THIS SEAT!**_ " she screeched.

Dumbledore suddenly appeared in the backseat. "Oh, mommy, daddy!" he cheered, smiling like a child, "Are we going to Disney Land? YAY!"

Hedwig got a broom and started stabbing it at him, "GET OUT. NOW."

Dumbledore frowned and walked out of the car. So did millions of possums.

"Fucking backseat driver." Muttered Hedwig. She poked Snape on the shoulder with the broom and shouted, "DRIVE NOW, SNAPE, OR IT'S ANOTHER BROOM-RAPE."

Snape whimpered and started the car.

"HEY!" shouted one of their neighbors, "THAT'S MY FUCKING CAR!"

" **IGNORE THAT FUCKING SHIT-MONSTER!** " screeched Hedwig, practically stabbing the broom into Snape's ribcage. " ** _IT'S FUCKING GOING IN YOU, TONIGHT!"_**

Snape shrieked and slammed the pedal down sending the car flying at 195mph.

" _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!**_ " screamed the two.

" _ **SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!**_ " growled Hedwig, " **TONIGHT, _YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!_** "

Many difficult hours later, Snape finally crashed the car nearby a Hooters restaurant.

"GET OUT, NOW!" screamed Hedwig, "THE CAR IS GOING TO EXPLODE."

She grabbed Snape and ran away from the car in slow-motion as it exploded.

"OH SHIT, I FEEL IT _**COMING!**_ " cried Hedwig bending over while running, " _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!**_ " she released gas from her bumhole, which reached the flames of the explosion and ignited her bottom, sending her and Snape ROCKETING into the Hooters restaurant breaking a window and causing the entire building to burst into flames.

" **HOLY FUUUUUUUUUCK!** " she screamed, flying into the air, " **WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO EAT BEANS THIS** _MOOOOOOOOOORNING!_ "

Hedwig and Snape continued to rocket into the sky, into space and straight to the moon.

" _ **AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!**_ " they screamed, " ** _FUUUUUUUUCK!_** "

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" yelled Hedwig, looking at Snape, deviously.

"NO HEDWIG, NOOOO!" cried Snape breaking into tears.

"SHUT-UP!" she shrieked, stuffing Snape into her fiery bumhole, "TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!"

Snape instantly dissolved and died. The fire coming out of Hedwig's bumhole didn't stop, it continued to explode out like a flaming volcano and she continued rocketing to the moon.

Hedwig never experienced TRUE panic until now.

" ** _HOLY FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!_** "

 **TO BE CONTINUED…**


	5. The Moon

**Hedwig and Snape: The Moon**

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** OH YEAH I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN! WEEEE! Actually…can somebody mix whatever is under the sink with an orange smoothie and feed it to me? MAKE SURE IT STILL TASTES LIKE AN ORANGE SMOOTHIE TOO.

* * *

Hedwig had crashed right on the moon. Her once fiery bottom is now covered in dust.

" _ **EUAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!**_ " she yelled, miraculous echoing her voice on the atmosphere-less planet, " _ **FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!**_ "

"Hedwig, honey," squeaked Snape, hiding behind a rock, "Could you tone it down a bit- _just a bit?_ "

" _ **BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!**_ " she growled.

Snape ran for it.

Hedwig fell face-first to the ground and then stood up, using her CHEST-BUMPS to do so. They resembled legs sprouting out her chest. " **I CAN USE MY TITS AS LEGS NOW IN THIS GRAVITY-FREE SHIT WORLD.** " screeched her, " _ **I'M GOING TO FUCKING EAT YOU!**_ " she began chasing after Snape. She grew three-hundred feet and violently shook the ground with every 'step' she took.

Snape shrieked out of fear and soiled his pants.

" **GIT BACK OVER HERE!** " roared Hedwig.

" _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!**_ "

Two Earth hours later, the two had circled the moon ten times sending it off balance and swiveling towards the Earth.

Snape was JUST about to hide behind a rock to get some rest until suddenly Osama Bin Laden appeared. "OH HAY, GUYS!" said Osama, " _HA-CHA-CHA-CHA!_ "

Hedwig and Snape completely stopped in their tracks, surprised at this sudden appearance.

They both face-palmed.

"Oh damnit, Osama." Spoke Snape. "Go away."

"Okay." responded Osama, jumping off into space. " _HA-CHA-CHA-CHA!_ "

"What a retard." whispered Hedwig, her voice surprisingly soft.

"Yeah."

The two sat down on the ground, sighed, and a long moment of silence followed.

"You know," spoke Snape, breaking the quietness, "running around the moon didn't help us one bit. We're still back where we were."

"I can't stand it," replied Hedwig, "Why do we all always have to feel this way?"

"I don't know," sighed Snape, "I guess it's just the price for being aliv-" He realized the moon was heading downwards toward Earth, " _OH GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE!_ WE SENT THE MOON OFF ITS TRACK!"

"NOT MY FAULT, YOU SHIT!"

"YES IT WAS!"

"FUCK YOU!"

"Mommy, daddy, don't fight!" called a familiar elderly-sounding voice. "You make Dumbly cry!"

"Oh god no." sighed Snape, turning around to see Dumbledore. "DUMBLEDORE, GO AWAY."

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!" screeched Hedwig, causing air to swirl around her, " _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH, AAAAAAAAAHHH!**_ " she sounded like a constipated _Dragonball Z_ character.

"STOP! HEDWIG! STOP!" cried Snape, both confused and scared at whatever Hedwig's planning to do, "DON'T DO IT!"

"MOMMY!" cried Dumbledore, tears falling from his eyes, "STOP!"

Hedwig bent over and held a lighter near her bumhole, " _ **FINAL FLAAAAAAAAAAASH!**_ "

Minutes later, the people on Earth looked up in the sky only to see a giant thunderous fireball heading straight for them. Everybody screamed.

 **TO BE CONTINUED…**


	6. Little Motel

**Hedwig and Snape: Little Motel**

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Come on! Kill me! KILL ME! I'M ASKING FOR IT! DO IT! KILL ME! Come on. You know you want to! I'M WAITING. DO IT! DO IT! KILL ME! KILL ME! KILL ME! HAHAHAHA!

* * *

Hours later, after the Earth was restored (thanks to Hermione Granger), Hedwig and Snape rented out a motel in an undisclosed location (to get away from Moody and Dumbledore.)

"FUCK!" screeched Hedwig, throwing the suitcases she was carrying onto the floor, "This is fucking WHITE TRASH SHIT!"

"Sorry honey," whispered Snape, scared to talk loudly, "But this little motel is all we could afford… you've set fire to everything else we had."

"FUCK YOU!"

Peter Pettigrew, disguised as a rat, lived within the cracks of the wall of that room. He heard the commotion and scurried out. When he laid eyes on the steroid-pumped Hedwig, he drooled and his heart skipped a beat. He quickly raced over to Hedwig's feet and squeaked excitedly.

"OH, WHAT THE FUCK?" screeched Hedwig, seeing the rat crawl over her feet, "OH, ARE WE IN FUCKING INDIA WHERE PEOPLE COME BACK AS FUCKING RATS?" she stomped on poor Peter forcing him to turn into his human form. "OH FUCK, NOW HE REINCARNATED INTO A FUCKING UGLY-ASS HUMAN." She pulled out an axe from under her chest-bumps. "COME BACK AS A FUCKING WHORE AND THEN WE'LL TALK!"

Peter curled into a ball and started crying from fear.

"HEDWIG!" snapped Snape, "STOP!"

Hedwig stopped.

Snape blinked, shocked at Hedwig actually listening to him, and he hastily continued, "He's JUST a shape-shifter! CALM DOWN!"

Hedwig threw the axe aside. "FINE!" She hissed, "Go have sex with your new rat friend. I'm going to take a shower."

Peter quickly sat up "NO!" he cried, "DON'T!"

"AND WHY THE FUCK NOT?" growled Hedwig as she entered the bathroom and slammed the door shut, "FUCK YOU!"

Peter quickly got onto his feet and turned to Snape ABOUT to thank him for saving him, but instead asked, "Does your wife by any chance eat beans on a daily basis?"

"Yes." Replied Snape without emotion, "Why?"

Peter shrugged. "Because the bathroom is lit by candles, she'll probably feel a mild burn if she releases anything."

"CANDLES?" cried Snape angrily turning to a wall to punch it. "ARG! Is this some kind of joke?" he yelled to himself, "Because the same old routine is NOT amusing!" he placed on a helmet and bawled, "FARTING FIRE IS NOT FUNNY! CAN'T YOU THINK OF ANYTHING NEW?"

Peter stared at him. "Uh, who are you yelling to?"

The bathroom door began to rattle. Snape raced for the window.

" _ **HOLY FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!**_ " cried Hedwig from behind the door, " **OH GAWD, IT'S… IT'S…** " _**(KABOOM!)**_ The door exploded open and flames violently shot out everywhere.

" _ **OH FUCKING BLOODY HELL!**_ " screamed Peter, racing for the window alongside Snape, " **I KNEW YOUR WIFE WAS GOING TO FART FIRE - BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT _THIS_ KIND OF FREAKISH EXPLOSION! WHAT THE FUCKING BLOODY HELL?** "

" **IF ONLY YOU KNEW!** " cried Snape, crashing out the window, " _ **IF ONLY YOU FUCKING KNEW!**_ "

Ten hours later - after the entire motel building burnt to the ground – Hermione was called in (yet again), to restore everything. "RESTOR-"

"Anyways," spoke Peter to Snape as Hermione restored the motel in the background, "Your wife is at a convenient store at the moment, so let's chat."

Out of nowhere, a giant hawk flew down and ate Hermione in one gulp, interrupting the two.

"Well, that sucks." Spoke Snape, "If the world is destroyed, we won't be able to bring it back."

"AND THAT'S A BAD THING?" growled the hawk.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?" gasped Snape, "IT SPOKE?"

Hedwig returned from the convenient store with a bag of potato chips "WELL FUCKING DUH!" she yelled, "THAT HAWK IS OBVIOUSLY YOU-KNOW-FUCKING-WHO, BUT FUCK HIM! HE'S FUCKED UP."

"FUCK YOU!" called the hawk as it took off into the sky, "BITCH!"

"I'M GOING INSIDE," Hollered Hedwig as she walked into the now-restored motel, "THE TELEVISION IS MINE, SO FUCK OFF!"

Peter ran up to Hedwig, "But My Little Pony the movie premieres TONIGHT." He cried.

"FUCK UP!" Hedwig set her potato chip bags on fire and threw them at Peter, " **DAMNIT! LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! GO BUY ME SOME MORE OF THIS SHIT, YOU FUCK-TARD!** " blood poured out from her beak from so much yelling. " ** _BLAAAAAGH!_** "

Three days later, after Hedwig calmed down, Snape and Peter went out to buy food. Hedwig sat on the couch and turned the television on.

 _And now we present to you the almighty AssMaster3000! It can do anything! It will tone your butt! It will walk the dog! It will make your parents wish they only had THAT instead of you! (IN FACT, THEY'LL KILL YOU!) Only 19.95 and these things are selling fast, so BUY BUY BUY NOW before it's all GONE!_

Hedwig smashed in a phone and immediately ordered one. In no time at all, the doorbell rang.

"OH FUCK! WHO THE FUCK COULD THAT BE?" she yelled angrily, rattling the ceiling. Veins popped out from her neck. She marched over to the door and ripped it off the hinges. There stood a familiar jittery turban-wearing person, and in his hands he held a large brown box.

"PROFESSOR QUIRRELL?" Hedwig yelled, "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, YOU TERRORIST?!"

"He-Hello" stuttered Professor Quirrell, shivering from Hedwig's yelling, "I ha-have a package for a M-Mrs.-"

"WANT SOME FUCKING SEX?" interrupted Hedwig slapping Professor Quirrell's bottom.

"AAAAAAAAHH!" screamed Quirrell, dropping the box and running away.

"FUCK YEAH!" she laughed, grabbing the box, "NOW I DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING PAY 19.95." she stuck the door back into place and headed for the couch.

Just then the doorbell rang again. Hedwig threw the box into the ceiling and stomped back to the door leaving holes in the floor. She tore the door off and shredded it into tiny pieces and rubbed it all over her face cutting herself. " _ **WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?**_ " she screeched, causing parts of the ceiling to crack.

There stood Professor Quirrell again, this time shaking VIOLENTLY from fear of Hedwig, "M-Mrs. Hedwig," he mumbled, too frightened to speak loudly, "I mu-must inform you of a tr-troll lurking in the ne-neighborhood."

Hedwig slapped Quirrell's bottom again sending him flying into the air. "WANT SOME FUCKING SEX?"

Poor Quirrell passed out and landed limp onto the ground from so much anxiety. Hedwig left him there and went to go sit on the couch. "YEAH! NOW TO PLAY WITH MY ASSMASTER3000!" she ripped the box apart and placed the device on her head.

Suddenly, a monotonous voice was heard from outside the house, "Rawr, rawr." It spoke, "I'm a troll, rawr. Shoop da whoop. I keel you all. I'm Osama. I'm stating to all I'm a troll and how I'm trolling, which means I'm a fail troll. I'mma firin' muh lazor. Moar. Moar. Rawr. Spam. I'm an attention whore. Rawr. I have sex with myself on a daily basis. Rawr."

The noise annoyed Hedwig so much that fire exploded on top of her head and it incinerated the AssMaster3000. She quietly rumbled with anger.

Snape and Peter returned, waltzing into the room carrying shopping bags full of clothes, "Oh my, what a scary looking troll!" said Peter, placing the bags onto the floor, "He even scared that Osama Bin Laden impersonator that is passed out on our-" his heart sunk when he noticed his door torn out and shredded, "... our _now_ missing door."

"Just ignore the troll and it'll go away;" said Snape, "Ignoring a troll is like kryptonite to Superman."

"FUCK THAT SHIT!" exploded Hedwig, as she pulled out a giant laser beam from under one of her chest-bumps, " **I'M KILLING THE FUCKING TROLL! IT DESTROYED MY FUCKING ASSMASTER3000!** "

"NO! NO! YOU'LL ONLY MAKE IT GROW!" Yelled Snape, "STOP! _STOP!_ "

Peter whimpered, quickly turned into a rat and scurried into a crack in the wall for shelter – all while crying.

Hedwig jumped into the yard (smooshing Professor Quirrell into the ground) and aimed the laser beam at a bush where the troll lay to rest. "GO BACK TO YOUR HOMELAND!" she yelled and zapped the troll.

It grew fifty-five thousand feet tall. " ** _FUCK YEAAAAAAAH!_** " bellowed the troll, "I WILL SOON RULE THE UNIVERSE!"

"OH FUCK!"yelled Hedwig, injecting steroids into her arm. "I NEED TO POWER UP!" She grew one-hundred thousand feet tall and her chest-bumps extended outwards to the point she tipped over and pinned the troll into the ground. "I'M DONE WITH ALL THIS FUCKING AROUND!" she screeched.

"YOU HAVE NOT DEFEATED ME!" growled the troll as it grew another fifty-thousand feet. He pushed Hedwig off and yelled, "PAYING ATTENTION TO ME IS ONLY GOING TO MAKE ME GROW!"

"FUCK!"

Snape and Peter walked outside of the motel to see the uproar they heard from inside and they nearly fainted when they saw the now one-hundred thousand foot tall Hedwig and the massive troll battling each other.

"Wait a minute, giant battling monsters? Are we in Japan?" gasped Peter, "Aren't we in the UK?"

Snape sighed. "Can you kill me? I'll give you dollar."

"Cheer up, it's not so bad," smiled Peter, "for every bit of shit that occurs, it can't last forever… though they do tend to last a long time," he paused for a while, "KILL ME. I don't like this reality! I want out."

"NO!" snapped Snape, "You, KILL ME!"

"NO, YOU!"

Meanwhile, back to Hedwig and the troll: Hedwig injected more steroids into her arm and grew one-thousand seven thousand fifty-five billion feet high. " **I'M SHOVING YOU UP MY ASS!** " she yelled as she grabbed the poor troll and rammed it into her bumhole.

" _ **AAAAAAAAAAAHH!**_ " screamed the troll, "NOOOOOO! I'M SORRY! FORGIVE ME, I WAS ONLY FOOLING AROUND! I JUST WANTED A HUG BECAUSE I'M SO UNLOVED! NOBODY LOVES ME!" it started crying.

"FUCK UP AND ACCEPT YOUR FATE!"

Out of the blue, Dumbledore appeared in a helicopter, "MOMMY!" he happily called, "THERE YOU ARE! I LOVE YOU!"

"OH FUCK," cried Hedwig, " _ **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_ "

Alastor Moody appeared out of thin air and landed on Hedwig's head, "FUCK!" he yelled, "DO YOU ALL HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE THE HELL I'VE BEEN? Because I don't."

Hedwig shook her head to knock Moody off ( _AAAAHH!_ ) and swatted the helicopter sending Dumbledore crashing to the ground ( _WEEEEE!_ )

"FUCK YOU" She screeched and headed for the Atlantic Ocean, " ** _BLEAAAARGH!_** " she yelled, " **FUCK YOU ALL, I'M KILLING THIS SHIT-ASS PLANET!** "

She jumped into the air, did a cannonball and splashed into the ocean, sending EVERYTHING shooting out of the atmosphere and caused the entire planet to head straight for the Sun.

"NOW FOR THE FINAL MOVE." She bent over, aimed her bottom towards the Sun and then RELEASED 'gas' which sent her violently shooting straight towards the Andromeda Galaxy. "THE UNIVERSE IS MINE FOR THE TAKING!"

"HONEY!" called Snape, somehow lodged in Hedwig's armpit "STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"I'M TAKING OUTER SPACE."

"You can't just do that!" he exclaimed, "What DO you want from here?"

"FUCK YOU!"

All of a sudden, Hedwig started shrinking.

 **TO BE CONTINUED…**


	7. Troll Woes

**Hedwig and Snape: Troll Woes**

 **Author's Note:** SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UUUP! QUIT STARING AT ME! I HAVE NO SECRETS! WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME DADDY? LOOOOVE MEEEE! GET THIS DAMN HEAD OFF MY NECK YOU SICK BASTURDS! THIS STORY SUCKS, ASSHOLES.

* * *

Back in Harry Potter world, the Hedwig laid on the couch in the little motel she and her loving husband Snape shared together.

" _Errrgh_ ," groaned the sick Hedwig, her feathers green with ill. Her chest-bumps sagged all the way to the floor gathering dust, and the top of her stomach area rotted away exposing her pumping organs.

From a crack in the wall, the timid mouse Peter Pettigrew played a sad tune on a violin for added background noise.

Snape walked into the room and jumped up in shock at seeing his wife decomposing. "HONEY!" he screamed, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

The Hedwig smashed Snape into the floor. "FUCK UP!" she screeched, "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO HAVE A FUCKING MOMENT HERE?"

"DAMN IT, HONEY!" yelled the flattened Snape, "DON'T YOU KNOW IT TAKES MONEY TO GET UN-FLATTENED?"

"SO, GO GET A BOOB JOB!"

"FUCK YOU!"

Two days later, the Hedwig vanished from the couch.

"Hedwig? Honey?" asked Snape, "Where are you?"

Peter crawled out from the wall hole with a DVD in his mouth, "WE'RE FREE!" he squeaked, "FREE!" he spat the DVD onto the floor and transformed into his human form.

Snape smiled, "YOU'RE RIGHT!"

The two began to dance.

Peter jumped onto the couch, "LET'S WATCH SPENGBAB ON FULL VOLUME TO ANNOY THE NEIGHBORS!"

"But that's fucking retarded!"

"YOU'RE FUCKING RETARDED!"

Suddenly, the entire house rumbled and _Night on Bald Mountain_ began to play.

"SHIT!" screamed Snape, "Do you hear that music?"

Peter fell to the floor and whimpered in fear. "I HEAR IT! I WANT TO _UN-HEAR_ IT!"

Abruptly, the Hedwig exploded out from the floor like a giant shark as the song climaxed. " ** _EUAAAAAAAARRRRHHHH!_** " she roared, " _ **WE'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER!**_ "

" _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!**_ " screamed Snape and Peter.

The entire motel caught fire.

Hours later, Snape, Peter, and the Hedwig stood outside the now crumbled little motel.

"WELL, THAT WAS FUCKING POINTLESS!" yelled the Hedwig.

"Ho-Honey!" whispered Snape, "Why do you always destroy the buildings and places we go to?"

The Hedwig injected her arm with steroids. "BECAUSE I AM RULER OF THE UNIVERSE." she bellowed. "YOU CANNOT STOP ME."

"Can we go grocery shopping?" asked Peter, "I'm hungry." He pouted.

The Hedwig jumped onto Peter, squishing him onto the ground, "TAKE US THERE, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!"

Peter cried.

Three months later, the dynamic trio made it to a grocery store. Hedwig broke open the doors and walked in. Shoppers in the store stared in shock and awe at the eight foot tall owl.

"BIG BIRD!" squealed a child, "YAY!"

The Hedwig smiled shyly and waved.

Snape and the flattened Peter timidly snuck into the store, afraid of angering Hedwig.

Nearby, they saw Professor Moody and Dumbledore shopping for yogurt.

"But I don't want any red colored yogurt!" sighed Moody, "It's mean to the poor bugs grounded up for their red colors."

Dumbledore frowned, "You're right," he sighed. "Let's take all the blue yogurts! They only ground up smurfs!"

"Hey guys!" called Snape, "How are you?"

Dumbledore instantly ran head first into Snape. " _SNAAAAAPE!_ " he laughed, excited at seeing an old friend, "LONG TIME NO-"

Instantly, the entire store caught fire.

" **THE CAKE MIXES HERE SUCK!** " roared the Hedwig from another aisle. " _ **BURN IN HELL YOU BASTURDS!**_ "

"DAMN IT!" cried Snape, "NOT THE FUCK AGAIN!"

Many, many, many hours, the Hedwig, Snape, and Peter stood in the parking lot watching as the grocery store burned to the ground.

"WELL, THAT SUCKED." screeched the Hedwig. "THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT, SNAPE!" she grabbed Snape and a broom, "IT'S GOING IN YOU!"

Snape shrieked.

Suddenly, Professor Quirrell appeared interrupting the disturbing actions Hedwig plotted. "He-Hedwig?" stuttered Quirrell, afraid of her, "I ha-have a me-message for yo-you fr-from-"

"WANT SOME FUCKING SEX?" yelled Hedwig, slapping Quirrell's bottom and sending him flying out of the atmosphere.

" _OH MY GAAAAAAWD!_ " he screamed as he faded away.

The Hedwig puffed her feathers and threw Snape thirty feet away.

Out of nowhere, a crumbled piece of paper landed in front of Hedwig and then EXPLODED sending her flying across the parking lot.

" _ **FUUUUUUUUCK!**_ " screamed the Hedwig, crash-landing into a tow truck. She quickly jumped to her feet and gasped in horror! The troll she fought before has returned. "YOU!" the Hedwig growled, "YOU DAMN DIRTY TROLL!"

"YEAH?" yelled the troll throwing another crumbled piece of paper at Hedwig, "ENJOY THIS SPAM-BOMB, AND FUCK YOUR PLANET OF THE APES REFERENCE."

"OH FUCK!" screamed Hedwig, ducking for cover behind the puny Snape. "SAVE ME, SNAPE!" The bomb exploded and sent the two flying fifty feet into the air. "CATCH ME, DEAR HUSBAND!"

"Yes, dear!" replied Snape, attempting to land first.

"I'LL CATCH YOU BOTH!" yelled Peter.

Hedwig violently smashed the two into the ground. "Thanks dear!" smiled Hedwig.

Snape yelled something inaudible as he crawled out from underneath his wife.

"WANT SOME MORE SPAM?" yelled the troll, throwing another crumbled piece of paper, "YES? I HEARD A YES!"

"IT'S GOING TO KILL US!" screamed Snape, sobbing.

Peter transformed into a mouse and crawled into a hole in the ground.

"YOU FUCKERS!" yelled the Hedwig, "JUST IGNORE THE TRO-" the bomb exploded sending her and Snape into the air again.

"YES, ALL THIS ATTENTION IS MAKING ME GROW!" roared the troll, "YES! YEEES!"

Hedwig and Snape once again landed on the ground. "TO DEFEAT THESE FUCKING TROLLS, YOU MUST IGNORE THEM!" yelled the Hedwig, dusting herself, "DO IT, FAGGOT!"

"Bu-but, Honey!" whined Snape, "It is THROWING FUCKING BOMBS AT US! HOW THE FUCK DO WE JUST IGNORE THAT?"

The Hedwig turned her back towards the troll and stared off motionless into the distance.

"YOU CANNOT STOP ME!" yelled the troll, "I HAVE NO LIFE!"

"Honey!" squeaked Snape in fear, "The troll is immortal!"

Hedwig ignored Snape.

Snape screamed and ran over to a tree to hide behind it. "RUN, HONEY!" he called, "RUN!"

The troll walked over to the Hedwig when he noticed no movement from her, "Um, helloooo?" It spoke, "You're going to be destroooyed." it tapped Hedwig's beak, "WHAT ARE YOU, FUCKING RETARDED?"

Back in the tree, Snape watched. He closed his eyes to shut out the oncoming horrors he felt were going to happen.

"Oh, Honey." he whimpered, "I wish you weren't so foolish to put yourself out in front of a troll like that."

Lightning struck and it set the entire tree on fire. "FUCK!" screeched Snape, "LIKE WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?"

Two weeks later, the Hedwig made no motion whatsoever and the troll began to shrivel up into a tiny thing.

"Don't make me use the angst against you." it whispered, weak from no attention, "It will… make you… wish… I weren't… existent." it fell to the ground and withered away into a little twig. "I'll do… it.

Another hour passed and still no reactions from Hedwig.

"I'll… I'll…be back." groaned the troll before vanishing in a puff of smoke.

Snape arose from a pile of ashes he hid behind and blinked twice in shock. He ran to hug his wife, "HONEY, YOU DID IT!" he exclaimed, "You SAVED us all!"

Hedwig once again made no motion.

"Our hero!" cheered Peter, crawling out of the hole he hid in, "Three cheers for Hedwig!"

"HIP-HIP, HURRAY! HIP-HIP, HURR-"

Abruptly, Hedwig SNAPPED her head around and glared at Snape with bloodshot eyes, "TONIGHT," she grabbed a broom and pointed it at him, "YOU."

Snape ran away shrieking.

Hedwig snapped her head towards Peter and pointed at him. "YOU."

Peter turned into a mouse and ran away crying.

Hedwig snapped her head towards nothing (the audience) and pointed into thin-air, "YOU."

 **THE END.**

FINALLY.

Oh wait, no. No, sorry.

I got more laxatives.

THIS IS THE NEW GARFIELD THE JERK, ASSHOLES.

I ENJOY YOUR AGONY

TO BE CONTINUE


	8. Conclusion

**Hedwig and Snape: Conclusion.**

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** THIS IS ME TRYING TO SOUND SMART AND HUMOROUS. YES, THIS IS HEDWIG AND SNAPE, I GUESS. I NEED TO CREATE NEW CRAP.

* * *

And so it was written that on the fifth day a twisted turn of event will occur. No one could see that (even though it was visible.) Time and space separated them.

The face of the eleventh was a bit horribly deformed, but not so much. Just enough to cause double-takes.

It ended with an enormous eruption of volcanic-like howls. A monstrous wall of salty liquid filled the land until, I don't know, some guy got pissed no one heard his warnings and laughed in the horrified faces.

The stench was horrendous. It craved north and the sea.

That is why Hedwig decided to take steroids just once a month, and Snape joined a rock band after it was revealed he is half owl.

Mad Eye Moody joined Dumbledore at the bar he constantly invited him to, and Peter turned digital.

It was discovered that Voltimore was all this time behind the trolls. He was defeated when he was trolled about how he has no ass.

HarryPOT08: O HAY VOLTIMOAR.  
Voltimore: Uh, hi.  
HarryPOT08: U HAVE NO AZZ! LOLOLOL  
Voltimore: SHUT-UP!  
HarryPOT08: O MI GAWD! HOW DO U SIT?  
Voltimore: SHUT THE FUCK UP!  
HarryPOT08: So, liek, u fall in 2 teh toilet when u shit?  
Voltimore: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I'M GOING TO BLOCK YOU!  
HarryPOT08: WELL SHIT, SONNY!  
Voltimore: -BLOCK-  
HarryPOT08: U STILL DIDNT BLOCK ME!  
Voltimore: FUCKING AOL 20.1!  
HarryPOT08: HAHAHA! U SUK!  
Voltimore: AAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

The little hotel where Hedwig and Snape once stayed was never rebuilt, and JK Rowling ended the existence of the horrible person behind this fanfiction.

 **AND SO THAT CONCLUDES THIS TERRIBLY WRITTEN STORY OF A MAN LOVING A FIFTY FOOT TALL STEROID-ADDICTED OWL.**

 **SPIN-OFFS OF THIS "SPIN-OFF" WILL BE MADE.**

 **THE END?**


End file.
